I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
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I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!