[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
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JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*