“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
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Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
a god among men
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.