Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
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My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.