EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
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My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage