We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
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Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?