Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
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My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo