The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
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[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.