Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
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it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.