Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
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Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.