Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
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If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”