There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
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Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
this is literally a CIA plant
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.