My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
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My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
This is true.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
I cannot call her anything else now
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.