Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
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[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later