God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
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Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
LMAO
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.