I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
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Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker