Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
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student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win