Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
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[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.