We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
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Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
How to make infinite energy.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL