What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
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Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
How do you like your Corgi?
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Yup
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.