Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
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why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning