My wife gives the best headache.
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All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
wow
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
When I pack too much for a short trip.