*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
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[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.