Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
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I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”