[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
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Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
when u come home smelling like another dog
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.