Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
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Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
But I really needed water water water
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Lmfao
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.