Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
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My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch