I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
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Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
“What?”
– Jude
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane