Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
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As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?