I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
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Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
This is me
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit