An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
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To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
men are simple creatures
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down