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[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…