Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
You Might Also Like
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Make new friends? bro out of what?
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today