me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
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Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Whoa 😂
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?