me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
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Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Realize this:
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.