2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
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Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
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🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
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[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
All excellent questions
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier