Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
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Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
This will never not be funny 😭
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”