Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
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“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs