[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
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My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Florida man
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning