honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
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My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.