Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
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Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
me irl
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*