MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
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Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Very problematic
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.