This is my emotional support chloroform rag
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I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
There is wisdom there.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs