The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
You Might Also Like
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…