My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
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Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
secret recipe
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”