Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
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Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
The French word for sex is croissant.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
How to make infinite energy.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
I am a gravy boat captain
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.