[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
You Might Also Like
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered