Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
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i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Meowchelangelo
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.