Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
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I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
u spoke cat all this time??????
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
This is I, Robot all over again
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…