(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
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Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.